I just received a forwarded email (copied in the first comment) from a representative of Conservative America, offering terms of settlement for divorce. As it came to me, I reckon I am a fit delegate to respond to the offer. My response is as follows:
Dear American Conservatives, righties, social retardists, despots, fascists, and Palin supporters, et al:
I have to say I was relieved to receive your email. As you say, we have stuck together for years for the children, but given the obvious fact that the children are growing up and are able to make their own life choices, it’s clearly time we ended the game. I’m in complete agreement that it’s far past time we stopped pretending to be on the same side, and I’m glad that for once you appear to be willing to talk on the level and come to a reasonable agreement.
I appreciate the fact that you clearly understand me well enough to offer some terms you feel I can not only accept, but even be happy with. However, if this split is truly to happen on equitable terms, I have to clarify a few points. I’m sure you will find my requests not only reasonable, but every bit as understanding and acceptable as those you have offered me.
Clearly, the dividing of assets is a necessary, but uncomfortable, part of any separation. When it comes to actual landmass I can see that the argument could devolve to pettiness, but I think we can both be mature enough to realize that in actual fact, we rarely want the same things. So I’ll take California, Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Washington D.C., New York, Rhode Island, and Maryland…the states where same sex marriage is at least recognized (yes, I remember Proposition 8, but we both know it isn’t going to last (edit: told you). I’ll also take Colorado, Minnesota, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, and Pennsylvania, as along with California, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Maryland, they are the top solar producers. I’d also like Texas, Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, Montana, North Dakota, and Iowa, as they are the top wind power producers in the country. It only seems fair, since you are generously gifting me the alternative energy and hoping that fossil fuels are going to work out for you. That’s 23 states, and to even it out completely, I think I should have Washington state and Oregon, as everyone knows they like me more than you. Oh, and I’m going to have to ask for western North Carolina, or at least Asheville, as I live there and everyone I know in town pretty much hates you.
I’m going to be honest, here, and admit that I know Texas will be a bit of a wrench for you. But, considering the Gulf War (which I know you intend to continue) and all the oil you can siphon out of the area around the BP oil spill, I’m sure you can see that it’s really a fair split.
Once that’s settled (and I think you can hardly disagree with my logic, so that should be simple), we can move on to dividing up the rest of our assets.
I’m happy to keep the redistributive taxes, though I hardly think we’ll need them once you’re gone. I do understand that you will be taking at least 80% of the wealth in the nation with you, but I don’t think we’ll miss it. After all, once you’re gone we can cure cancer and other congenital diseases, as well as make major advances in alternative energy, space exploration, and other sciences, so taking a long range view I’m figuring we’ll do OK. Just as a side note, I think I should get to keep The Internet. I know it was your kids who started it, but you have to admit it’s been our baby for a long time, and if you really had any invested interest in it Wikipedia and Opensecrets.org wouldn’t exist. After all, it’s just a bunch of perverts and conspiracy theorists, why would you want it, anyway?
I’m happy to take the liberal judges and the ACLU, you can have the KKK, the white supremacists, the Christian fundamentalists, and Wall Street. You can have your guns and war, but you must also take every single person who has ever participated at a Tough Man contest, the professional wrestlers, and Nascar. All of it. You also can keep Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, and Mel Gibson. Quite honestly, I have no idea how you’re going to afford their medical bills, as I anticipate that drugs will be rather expensive over there, but I guess that’s really your problem, isn’t it?
Happy for you to have the pharmaceutical companies and Wal-Mart, we’ll take the public universities, NPR, and alternative press. By all means keep the Alaskan hockey moms and greedy CEO’s, and you can have the rednecks but the country folk are ours. Actually, I think we can make this even simpler: we keep art, education, and research, and you can keep religion and the military industrial complex. I know we’ve always disagreed about the importance of these things, so you take yours and I’ll take mine and let the best man win.
Happy to take peace with Iran and Palestine, and you go ahead and fight them until you’re blue in the face. Not stepping in to save your economy, though, you’ll have to go a little more in hock to China for that. Speaking of which, you take the debts. It was your missile habit that got us there in the first place, I don’t think I should have to pay for it.
In exchange, I’ll take on the U.N. bill, but if I’m paying for it that means I get the seat on the Security Council. You can take as many “Judeo-Christian values” as you can muster, but I get the ones who want to turn the other cheek. I’ll take the rest of the religions, though, as well as those who don’t espouse one. It’s that Freedom of Religion thing that I always wanted to try. You remember the one.
By all means take the gas guzzlers. But in exchange, I get Detroit. You screwed the pooch on that one, and I hear some folks there have some pretty interesting ideas that I’d like to support.
As to music, you can have “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem” (it’s called “The Star Spangled Banner”, by the way, but no one can sing it, anyway). We’ll take all The Beatles, as well as punk rock, the blues, most rock and roll, and The Dixie Chicks. You can have pop.
You can have the part of our history which you directed. The loyalists during the Revolutionary War, every avowedly conservative President, McCarthyism, Japanese Internment, racism, sexism, etc. We’ll keep the progressive bits, and I’m sorry to tell you that will include the Founding Fathers.
As to the flag, I propose a compromise:
You can keep the stripes, and we’ll hang on to the stars.
Profligate and Heretic