Given the recent push for legislation to improve the health and morality of American citizens, I feel the time is ripe for me to bring up an issue with which I have been becoming increasingly concerned for quite some time. The War on Drugs has done some remarkable things for this country. Hell, if nothing else, think of the revenue it has brought in to our legal system! We may not actually have less people on drugs, but at least they’re more paranoid when they’re doing them. I think legislating to keep people from smoking, even in public, open spaces is a really positive step in assuring the rights of all Americans to have their lungs pink and healthy. Of course, in an open air environment they are more likely to contract skin cancer than they are to inhale enough secondhand tobacco smoke to cause them any physical harm, but if we don’t tell them that maybe they won’t notice. And I, for one, do not want my children exposed to the explicit phallic symbolism of a beautiful woman sucking on a coffin nail. Allowing the insurance companies leeway to impose more and stricter standards as to what they will pay for has certainly done a lot of good, since those who are now unable to afford to go to the doctor will certainly spend a little more time thinking about how they treat their bodies. And if we could just get abortion made illegal, that’ll keep people from having sex, thereby preventing the spread of sexually-transmitted diseases, right? But none of this has gone far enough. None of it addresses the single, number one health care issue in our country: Girl Scout Cookies.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Those yummy, delicious, little cookies? Proceeds of which go to support such a wholesome, American organization as Girl Scouts? All those cute little blonde girls in their shamrock green uniforms, covered with patches they earned by bringing bake sale cast offs to old ladies in nursing homes? Am I serious?! And I say to you, my friends, that you have been brainwashed. You can’t see the evil lurking under their all-American facade.

Girl Scout cookies, my research has shown, are laced with an addictive chemical. I know it’s a shock, but I assure you it is true. Every variety of Girl Scout cookies come absoloutely filled with the substance known on the street as “sugar”. Many controlled laboratory studies have shown the addictive and health degrading qualities of this substance. In some instances, it has even been compared to heroin in it’s addictive power. This substance has been linked to anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and tooth decay, along with a host of other, milder symptoms. Isn’t it time we stopped pretending this substance is harmless?

Furthermore, America has clearly been shown to have an “obesity” problem. The World Health Organization, among others, have criticized our government for not taking action on this issue. Have you ever looked at the nutritional information on a box of Girl Scout cookies? I happen to have, right here, a box of Caramel Delites (purely for observational purposes, let me assure you). It has on the side, right out in plain view, the information that each serving of two cookies contains 140 calories and seven grams of fat. That’s right. Two. Cookies. Now I ask you: who, among us, has ever eaten just two Caramel Delites?! It cannot be done. Their sweet, gooey goodness sucks you in. You find yourself tucking the box away in a high place where you can’t see it, just to escape the compulsion to eat more. Behind the pasta machine that you never use on the top shelf, for example. You walk away and try to forget that it exists. But then, less than an hour later, you find yourself staring at the empty plastic tray…littered with only a few bits of chocolate and coconut. And you can’t even remember getting it down.

This type of behaviour is common among those who find themselves offered a box of Girl Scout cookies. And sadly, the madness does not end there. Generally speaking, those who find themselves in the unfortunate position of being halfway through a box of Girl Scout cookies are already in possession of two or more boxes. I, for example, in my attempt to procure some of these insidious confections for the purpose of researching this paper, found myself with not one, but seven boxes of cookies. And as I look around my study, I am dismayed to discover that there are three empty boxes littering the desk. I don’t even remember opening the Thin Mints.

I am calling out for my fellow citizens to band together against this assault on our right to a healthy lifestyle. I recognize that we cannot yet expect to prohibit the sale or possession of Girl Scout cookies; their cultural space is too well established. But as a first step, I think it is reasonable to prohibit their sale, display, or consumption in public places. If people wish to ruin their teeth, enlarge their behinds, and wreck their emotional stability…that is their right. Let them do it behind closed doors, where it will not effect the rest of us.

I hear you asking as I write these words: How does the public consumption of delicious Girl Scout cookies hurt anyone but the one eating it? How does someone breaking out a box of Girl Scout cookies damage my health?

The answer, my friends, is simple:
When is the last time you were able to turn down the offer of a Girl Scout cookie?