After reading a report earlier this week which references various law enforcement pamphlets which detail behaviours of potential terrorists (“If you encounter any of the following, call the Joint Terrorism Task Force”), I was quite naturally inspired to look back over the body of writing I have produced during the last year or so and see how I compare to their profiling attempts. Now, taking the body of work as a whole, I think it is safe to say that I have a pretty weighty terrorist inclination. But if you look at any individual essay, I have to say I come up short. There are ones which repeatedly reference the Constitution, for example, but leave out any mention of driving being a right rather than a privilege. There are places where I state that Americans have the right to bear arms, but neglect to mention that I am essentially a loner. I know that I can do better, and I am here to prove it.

Let’s start with license checks, one of those events in my life which makes me pretty damned sure we are going to hell in a handbasket. I know some of you live in states which do not permit them, so let me take just a moment to elaborate on exactly what a license check is. A license check is when the cops block the road and ask to see everyone’s identification, on the assumption that they have done something wrong. Yes, it is all in the name of weeding out drunk drivers so that everyone can go safely about their business, but it is not based on any person actually driving in a way which indicates they might be unsafe behind the wheel. When confronted with a license check, I remind everyone in hearing distance that even the Supreme Court has recognized that this process is unconstitutional, but decided to allow them anyway, on the grounds that they do not cause undue distress to the people. Of course, if you have a baby wailing hysterically in the back seat because you are running late for feeding him, and your engorged breasts are leaking milk down your shirt while you sit there and wait to hand over your papers, you might feel differently. Which is why I grin gleefully when I happen to have my dog in the truck on such occasions, and she tries to eat her way through the window to get at the cops. I figure it is just fine if they sweat a little.

If I am stopped by someone purporting to be the police while engaged on normal business, I ask to see their badge, and politely request to know why I am being stopped. If I have the dog with me, I request that they back away before they get hurt. If the dog is not trying to eat them, I assume they must be one of the “good cops” and am much more cooperative. I slow down when I see police arresting or harassing others, just to make sure that they are not exerting unnecessary force, and I now have a little camera I can carry with me everywhere to take pictures if I ever need to. I once videotaped a friend of mine’s head disappearing under the dashboard of an officer who was giving her a ticket (he let her off), but for some reason she didn’t want me to make a big deal about it. Needless to say, I think that policing the police is every citizen’s duty. I believe that it is a good thing we can bear arms in this country, and take a great deal of comfort from the fact that if the government ever tried to declare martial law, the good ol’ boys of my neck of the woods would give them one hell of a battle. I have never engaged in para-military training, but I do have an archery range behind my house, a rack of four recurve bows on my wall, and we have vicious sword fights with PVC swords in my backyard…just for fun. I don’t own a gun, myself, but I figure I do pretty damned well with a bow and a cast iron frying pan. If a police officer burst into my house without a warrant, I would not hesitate to use it (the frying pan…bows are not so good at short range).

I believe that every person has a guarantee to the rights enumerated in the Bill of Rights, and object to the watering down of those rights promulgated by the government over the last couple of decades. I think everyone should know their rights, and so I carry a pocket-sized edition of the Constitution and Bill of Rights in my purse, so I can make my kid read it over and over, and so I can settle any technical disputes on those documents which might come up (and they do). I believe in majority rule, but I also believe in minority rights. I believe our current government is corrupt and needs to be gotten out of office, by whatever means are available and effective. I believe our officials have violated their oaths to uphold and protect the Constitution.

I am a fervent proponent for animal rights, and have even been known to march into people’s yards to address how they are treating their animals. I do not support animal testing, nor do I support factory farms. I don’t even watch movies where people fuck over animals (read: Lassie), though I am somehow not similarly effected by films where people screw over each other. I guess it’s ’cause I really relate to animals more than people. You could say I am sort of a loner, always feeling isolated from my own species. I guess it was all those nature documentaries as a kid that warped me so, but I still don’t believe in censorship of the media.

I live near several universities, and I support their continued existence. I believe that those who have a comprehensive education and understanding of logic are beneficial to society. I believe dissent is necessary in a democracy (or even a democratic republic). I think knowing as much history as possible is a good thing. I think every kid should be given a copy of the Anarchist’s Cookbook, The Illuminatus! Trilogy, and the complete works of Heinlein.

I do not support the United States taking military action in other nations in order to restructure their governments. I do not support the U.S. military taking domestic action to quell peaceful protests. I do not think capitalism is going to solve our problems, and I do not believe in the benefits of supply-side economics. I think we have a responsibility to balance our national budget, and to monitor international organizations which dole out financial aid to poor nations in order to ensure that the aid is not going to sink those nations into debts they can never repay.

I refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance as a kid, and I still skip the bits I don’t like. I think “The Star Spangled Banner” is a lousy song, in English or Spanish. I think red, white, and blue actually look sort of bad together. I think a lot about how our national bird is nearly extinct, and wonder if it would have made a difference if we had chosen the wild turkey, instead.

I think we should protect the environment, stop feeding people GMO’s until we have reason to believe they are safe, and I am definitely against nukes…for everybody, including us. I support gay rights, I recycle everything I possibly can, and I support freedom of all religions…but I object vehemently to the Ten Commandments being displayed in courthouses or other government buildings.

I do not currently own any weapons of mass destruction, unless you count my son (which some have). I don’t think anyone should have them, including the United States government. I wonder a lot about how much my government is lying to me, and if I ever stumbled on a bit of evidence that proved they were, you can bet your ass I would post it here.

Basically, I support the rights of the individuals over the rights of the governments and corporations. I think critically about the information I find. I am willing to take action to support my beliefs. According to everything I have just read, that makes me a terrorist, and that pisses me off.

Feel free to report me by visiting the FBI’s website to leave them a tip. I would, however, recommend reading over the link at the top of this page first, to make sure you are not a terrorist, too.

If I disappear, you guys know where to come find me, right?