I am confused about the recent furor over the President’s wire-tapping program. Yes, the program may be illegal, according to the FISA guidelines which were written in 1978. But everyone knows a document written that long ago is archaic to the point of uselessness. Just look at the Constitution! Yes, the attorney general has been unable to give us assurance that innocent Americans were not spied upon using this program…but after all, if you’ve nothing to hide, why should you mind if the govenment is listening in on your private conversations? This may reduce income to overseas phone-sex businesses…but think of the boon to the internet! And after all, technology is the future. And we all care about the future.

Since many of our manufacturing jobs are gone overseas, and many of our service jobs are being given to poor people *shudder*, perhaps we need to look to the good that this seemingly insidious attack on our personal liberties can do for the common, middle- to upper-class working man.

1. Employment opportunities in the previously closed-ranks arena of Spying.
Everyone wants to be a spy. Now, you can have your chance! With possibly up to millions of Americans requiring phone surveillance, it’s going to take a lot of people to man the phones. That means JOBS, people! And fun ones, at that. Come to think of it, you may not need to find internet porn sites…

2.Law Enforcement opportunities.
Presumably, our officials do not want to just listen to us rattle off our orders to overseas companies and help centers (which is, after all, where most of us have to call if, say, our internet serivice goes out)…they want to use this information to catch the Bad Guys! And sifting out the Bad Guys from the Good Guys is going to require hauling them in for torture…er, interrogation. We will need more cops! More jails! More jailers and judges and parole officers and Interrogation Experts and executioners! Again:less liberty=more jobs.

3. Spokesmen and PR.
Obviously, some of those left-wing nutcases are going to try to make a big deal about this. We are going to need lots more good spin doctors to sway the average, concerned American to the point of view that it is un-patriotic to demand life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Now I know that we have lots of good people already on this…but judging from the looks of things, we need more.

4. Now here’s where this gets really good: if we can pull this off and get it approved for the President to do –anything– in the name of protecting the American people from terrorism…we can expect a slew of new, economy-boosting programs to follow this one! Ever read 1984? Think about how many people it would employ to alter the news, the fiction, the wording of all of our laws, to oversee and protect every single darn one of the sheep..er…citizens in this great nation. It will be just like the New Deal, but with breaking up the trust in families and communities instead of building roads! Call it the Newspeak Deal.

I am sure that with more thought, all of your readers can think of many more exciting employment opportunities that I have missed. But the point is this: Don’t fight progress. Enjoy the financial benefits…and watch what you say.