My fellow Americans– and those of you who follow American politics with a knot of tension in your stomachs and a Starbucks coffee in your fist– today we find ourselves in one hell of a pickle.
Reading the morning news, I find that we have not won the War on Terror. I place the blame for this debacle squarely in the laps of the dissidents among us. Apparently, some of our citizens did not get the memo that questioning our policies is tantamount to treason, and I regret to inform you that anyone expressing less that full support for our policies in the future will be transported to our new, top of the line, vacation housing in the midwest for reprogramming. I wish the rest of you to understand that this action is necessary for both the protection of the ill-wishers among us, and our own. Now, I am all for free speech in general, but as a war-time President I must stand by my Constitutional obligation in times of war and do my best to preserve the freedoms of the loyal and true among us. The doubt of the weak easily lends itself to radical ideals and radical action. We cannot allow the actions of those easily influenced to tread upon the security of the brave and true patriots of this great nation. Rest assured that those of us who still hold the values of our forefathers close to their hearts will see their freedom and liberty protected.
It also comes to my attention that the Press, as they like to call themselves, have engaged on a deliberate and diabolical course of action with the aim of undermining the security of our nation. Top-secret, classified information vital to the efforts of this Great Nation has been disclosed to the general public, where anybody can read it–including the terrorists among us who, as we all know, consistently read the New York Times. This heinous and flagrant violation of the statutes of national security is also treasonous, and will be treated as the crime it clearly is. Therefore, we will be proceeding to forcibly remove those voices among us which wish to aid the terrorists. The truly zealous among you who read the New York Times or the Washington Post (or other periodicals which ape their injurious actions)–purely for the purpose of understanding the twisted minds of our enemies–may notice the cessation of their publication. I, again, wish to assure you that this action is necessary for our own protection in a time of war, and that as a believer in the freedoms laid out in our founding documents, I would never dream of extending such an action beyond the point of victory in our War on Terror. After the war is won, and the last terrorist has met with justice, these publications will naturally be permitted to publish whatever evil-minded tripe they wish, with my blessing.
Now, I fear, we come to the most painful aspects of the information which it is my duty to impart to you tonight. As you know, the war in Iraq is going well and the insurgency in Afghanistan has been crushed. However, there is a new threat on the horizon. Several years ago, I informed you, my loyal subjects, that there was an Axis of Evil which must be addressed. Thus far, we have dealt surely and squarely with but half of this deadly quartet. I have been terribly grieved by the loss we have had to endure at the cost of our freedom, but I am willing to take a strong stand to the world and declare proudly that freedom is worth the cost. And now, My Fellow Americans, we must give more.
Iran, as you know, has flagrantly ignored our attempts at diplomacy in an effort to procure nuclear weapons. Their puerile claims that their nuclear research is for peaceful purposes has been clearly shown to be unfounded. Everyone knows that Iran is one of the most oil-rich countries in the world. What possible use could they have for nuclear energy? It is a rhetorical question, obviously, as anyone here in our great nation can attest. Iran is developing nuclear capability for the purpose of holding our freedom hostage, and I, for one, will not sit idly by and let it happen. It is a hard choice, but I think I have proven that I am up for the task. We have no choice at this juncture but to step in and pre-emptively prevent Iran from destroying our hard earned way of life. I have no doubt in my mind that Iran despises our freedom here in the United States, and will implement its nuclear program to destroy it as soon as it is capable. Today, I called upon Congress to support a pre-emptive nuclear strike against Iran. I regret to inform you that your representatives would not support me in this call to protect you, the people of the United States of America, in this action. Therefore it is incumbent upon me, under the authority vested in me by the AUMF act and the Constitution of our great land, to authorize this action on my own, as the unliateral executive branch of the United States. I am quite sure that time will show my action to be justified by the evidence that will be found in Iran of long range, nuclear capable missiles pointed directly at the heart of our nation.
I also approached Congress today in an effort to secure support for military action against North Korea. As you may well know, North Korea has been directly threatening the United States with its ostentatious display of petty fireworks as of late. I don’t know what they’re trying to prove over there, I really don’t. I guess sometimes the shrimpy kid just wants in on the Big Boy’s club and thinks bullying the class nerd will get them some respect. Well, I want to send a clear message to North Korea:
If you can’t run with the Big Dogs, stay out of the yard.
We have fifty times the nukes that North Korea does. We can blast their tiny, insigficant peninsula into oblivion and still have enough left for Iran, Saudi Arabia, Venezuela, and anyone else who wants to step up to the plate and threaten our God-given way of life. As some of you may know, Congress today didn’t want to authorize a pre-emptive strike against North Korea. I respect their right to do so, as the Constitution clearly states that only Congress can authorize a declaration of war. I do want you to understand however, My Fellow Americans, that we may soon pay the price for this partisan effort to undermine the security of the state. When North Korea attacks our shores, don’t come crying to me about it. It will be the fault of the legislative branch, which refused to take timely action when the future was apparent. I will only undertake a unilateral course of action when all other resources have been exhausted. For now, our lives rest in the hands of socialist countries which would rather talk than take decisive action. I pray that we will not have to pay the ultimate price for their lack of vision.
On the upside, “Superman” is doing extremely well at the box office, and that should make all Americans proud. If anything embodies our spirit, our passion, it is Superman. I want to applaud all the loyal citizens who support our national superhero. In fact, and this is a little secret I want to share with you, I have always related to the Superman archetype. Sometimes I feel as if I came to this world from another planet, and must hide my true identity under a guise of wimpy, bumbling, compassion for my fellow man. I think it is time I stepped into the phone booth and showed what I am really made of. I think we are all, here in our great nation, truly supermen. Let us fly free together and crush the evil that is upon us. Let us, once and for all, show to the world that strength is what superpowers are made of.
Good night, and God Bless the United States of America.