**PLEASE NOTE BEFORE COMMENTING***

This article is satire.  That means (in case you can’t be bothered to click the link) that it’s not meant to be read literally.  It’s a comment on many aspects of our culture, but actually has nothing to do with my beliefs about babies.  Which means that if you comment based solely upon the title, without reading the article or thinking about its content, you will simply look like a fool.  As exemplified by most of the previous comments.  Here’s hoping someone out there can be bothered to actually read seven lines of text before blathering.  If you do, you will have restored my faith in humanity.  Thanks.

***END NOTE***

I was reading over one of the terribly predictable unbelievably repetitive many debates about the “moral basis” for and against abortion today, when it suddenly hit me: I suppose I should blame society for making me feel it is not OK for a woman to hate babies. But once I had my epiphany, I have to say everything fell into place, and my position (thus far so terribly hard to justify) was suddenly crystal clear.

Let’s consider this rationally. Babies are not people. If they were people they would have some special clause in the Constitution defending their rights. But they don’t, and so clearly our forefathers recognized their non-people status. Realistically, if we granted babies people status, we would be on a slippery slope to a point where we grant other things “people” rights. Things such as homosexuals, goats, and even cockroaches. It’s a horrifying prospect. We must avoid that future at all costs.

Let’s face it, babies are annoying, snivelling, needy little blobs who contribute nothing whatsoever to our society. They just take and take. Do we cater to any other group in America the way we cater to babies? Hell, no, and here’s why: we believe in hard work and earning your keep in America. No one gets a free ride. That’s what makes us great — everyone earns their place in our society, and you can tell who has worked the hardest by the size of their bank accounts. Do babies have bank accounts? Nope. Their worth therefore is likewise zero.

Babies also have an annoying habit of not recognizing the social mores of our culture. They ogle teats openly (not only their mother’s, mind you, but any boob which gets within their limited range of vision), they have a fascination with their own bodies which borders on the obscene (and they don’t hesitate to reveal this to strangers), they even play with their own excrement and drool on others. Are these the kind of creatures we want to call “people”? Would we tolerate this from any other source? I think not.

Now, I know there will be some who claim that we need to protect and aid those in our society who are less fortunate that we are, those who enter here without understanding our customs or our language. To you I say they should have learned our language before they came here, and it’s not my fucking job to support those who are too lazy, or too unskilled, to support themself. I work hard for my money, and I have spent years in a dedicated pursuit of fuller comprehension of the myriad complex grammatical rules and spellings of the American language. Why should some weepy little half-wit be able to come in and receive coddling and catering that I, myself, do not receive? Clearly, they shouldn’t.

What’s more, if you chart the course of these slobbering salamanders over the course of their development, many of them never transform into anything better! Visit your local nursing home, and what do you find? Aisles and aisles of “old” people (all of whom used to be babies, by the way), and what are they doing? Drooling all over themselves and being spoonfed…just like babies! Yep, they go from useless burden on society to useless burden on society just like that. Why were we so adamant about protecting the unborn, again?

Some might argue that the inherent “value” in babies is that in-between stage, where they have developed past babyhood and before they get locked in a nursing home. Firstly, I would like to point out that you are gambling, there, on a future which may never exist. Five out of every one thousand newborns born in the United States die each year, making us second highest in the world in newborn death rates. Clearly, I am not the only one who hates babies. What’s more, even supposing these slovenly sacks of spit make it through to adulthood, there is no guarantee whatsoever that they will contribute anything useful to society. Approximately 26.2% of Americans have a diagnosable mental disorder each year. That’s over a quarter of us. 31,484 Americans killed themselves in 2004. Why? Because for whatever reason they didn’t want to be here, anymore. So life is a precious gift, is it? Not for everyone. Maybe we should stop kidding ourselves. Just because we can legally force a woman to deliver a baby does not guarantee that either she, or the child, will value its life so highly.

What’s more, even if they make it through their middle years without succumbing to suicide or mind-numbing paranoia, that does not equate to them being a person I actually want to talk to. I meet people every day who are effectively nothing more than big babies in grown-up clothing. “Feed me,” they say. “Let me suck your tits,” they say. I will be the first to admit that I often wonder if there is a God, and whether it has noticed the mass quantities of completely useless lifeforms swarming the planet. Can we get another flood down here, already?!

So, yeah, I support abortions because I hate babies. I think there are far, far too many of them. I suppose it might be all right to let a few of them live, provided their mother is willing to sponsor their worthless existence until such time as they manage to bring in a decent income. I mean, if they turn out to be psychopaths it’s her fault, anyway, so she should be willing to take responsibility from the start. If a woman is not willing to sign a contract obligating herself to indefinite servitude and blame, then she should have every right to ditch the appointment. After all, if I told you that you were morally obligated to wipe the drool, clean the ass, and accept the responsibility for any mistakes of a stranger…would you accept it?