State of the Union Address

My fellow Americans– and those of you who follow American politics with a knot of tension in your stomachs and a Starbucks coffee in your fist– today we find ourselves in one hell of a pickle.

Reading the morning news, I find that we have not won the War on Terror. I place the blame for this debacle squarely in the laps of the dissidents among us. Apparently, some of our citizens did not get the memo that questioning our policies is tantamount to treason, and I regret to inform you that anyone expressing less that full support for our policies in the future will be transported to our new, top of the line, vacation housing in the midwest for reprogramming. I wish the rest of you to understand that this action is necessary for both the protection of the ill-wishers among us, and our own. Now, I am all for free speech in general, but as a war-time President I must stand by my Constitutional obligation in times of war and do my best to preserve the freedoms of the loyal and true among us. The doubt of the weak easily lends itself to radical ideals and radical action. We cannot allow the actions of those easily influenced to tread upon the security of the brave and true patriots of this great nation. Rest assured that those of us who still hold the values of our forefathers close to their hearts will see their freedom and liberty protected.

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The Rise and Fall of the Kevlar Kids

Thousands of children have died in Iraq. No one denies this. Of course, there is a war going on over there. Everyone knows people die in a war, sometimes even civilians. Some of these deaths were accidents, where our military acted rashly and just plain made a mistake. Some of these deaths were just kids in the wrong place at the wrong time, who got caught up in the crossfire. But some of them were “enemy combatants”.
Now I know that we were warned when we went into Iraq that our soldiers might be fighting “twelve and fourteen year old boys”, because those crazy Iraqis were evil enough to send their children in to fight for them. Those boys never materialized, but I wasn’t talking about them, anyway.
I’m talking about the Kevlar Kids. The ones the enemy uses as shields.
Now I am against this war in general, but I can talk rationally about it. I can debate the rationale for war, I can respect the men and women out there fighting it for our side. I can discuss strategy, and even give credit to those with whom I do not agree, but who truly believe that this war was the right choice for this country. Until someone brings up the Kevlar Kids.

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