State of the Union Address

My fellow Americans– and those of you who follow American politics with a knot of tension in your stomachs and a Starbucks coffee in your fist– today we find ourselves in one hell of a pickle.

Reading the morning news, I find that we have not won the War on Terror. I place the blame for this debacle squarely in the laps of the dissidents among us. Apparently, some of our citizens did not get the memo that questioning our policies is tantamount to treason, and I regret to inform you that anyone expressing less that full support for our policies in the future will be transported to our new, top of the line, vacation housing in the midwest for reprogramming. I wish the rest of you to understand that this action is necessary for both the protection of the ill-wishers among us, and our own. Now, I am all for free speech in general, but as a war-time President I must stand by my Constitutional obligation in times of war and do my best to preserve the freedoms of the loyal and true among us. The doubt of the weak easily lends itself to radical ideals and radical action. We cannot allow the actions of those easily influenced to tread upon the security of the brave and true patriots of this great nation. Rest assured that those of us who still hold the values of our forefathers close to their hearts will see their freedom and liberty protected.

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Why We Love Conspiracies

Conspiracy theories seem to be a pet pastime of many here on Newsvine. Either you love them, or you love bashing them. Maybe it’s the great, sinking flaw of the well-read that we can’t seem to get away from them. At any rate, I thought I would go ahead and step out into no-man’s land and say it: I love the conspiracy theories.

Now, I should probably mention at this point (so you can stop with the hate mail) that I don’t really believe any of them. But then, I don’t actually believe that any of you exist, either. I recognize the possibility, in both instances. It serves my interest to do so.

“Why?!” I can hear my imaginary audience screaming, “In what way does admitting to the possibility of the validity of conspiracy theories help you?” (yes, my imaginary audience speaks exactly the way I do…doesn’t yours?) Well, that is why I am writing. Those of you who already love conspiracy theories probably don’t need this explanation, though you may occasionally find yourself bewildered as your otherwise well-organized mind takes a hiatus when you start reading about incendiary devices planted in the World Trade Center. Those of you who hate the conspiracies, with an equally irrational passion, often wonder what the hell is wrong with the rest of us. I hope to shed a little light on the matter.

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