I know we haven’t spoken in a while. I would like to say it’s my fault, that I overreacted to your sleeping around, your unwillingness to defend our relationship to others, your weak justifications of your actions. But those were your choices, and I chose to distance myself from you as you seemed so hell-bent on your own destruction that I couldn’t bear to stick around and see your undoing. Quite honestly, I don’t know if I can ever trust you enough to commit myself to you, but I am willing to try to be friends.
As a friend, I want to offer up a little perspective on the situation in which you currently find yourself. I know it’s unsolicited advice, and I know unsolicited advice is rarely appreciated, but we have known each other a long time and I truly have your best interests at heart. I hear you’ve moved up in the world, lately, that some of the people who used to belittle and berate you have come over and started thinking you look pretty good next to the alternatives. That’s great; I have always wanted to see you succeed. But I also hear that you are getting, perhaps, a little over confident about the whole thing, walking around talking about how you are in like Flynn come November. I want to warn you to be careful there. The American people are fickle, and you don’t want to be eating your words a couple of months from now.
My fellow Americans– and those of you who follow American politics with a knot of tension in your stomachs and a Starbucks coffee in your fist– today we find ourselves in one hell of a pickle.
Reading the morning news, I find that we have not won the War on Terror. I place the blame for this debacle squarely in the laps of the dissidents among us. Apparently, some of our citizens did not get the memo that questioning our policies is tantamount to treason, and I regret to inform you that anyone expressing less that full support for our policies in the future will be transported to our new, top of the line, vacation housing in the midwest for reprogramming. I wish the rest of you to understand that this action is necessary for both the protection of the ill-wishers among us, and our own. Now, I am all for free speech in general, but as a war-time President I must stand by my Constitutional obligation in times of war and do my best to preserve the freedoms of the loyal and true among us. The doubt of the weak easily lends itself to radical ideals and radical action. We cannot allow the actions of those easily influenced to tread upon the security of the brave and true patriots of this great nation. Rest assured that those of us who still hold the values of our forefathers close to their hearts will see their freedom and liberty protected.